


Half a Heart Without You

by TragicLove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-10
Updated: 2014-02-10
Packaged: 2018-01-11 20:41:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1177685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TragicLove/pseuds/TragicLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry takes a walk in the park, and down memory lane. </p><p> </p><p>Excerpt: His heart was liable to beat itself right out of his chest at any moment. His eyes were frozen on Zayn’s face, his mouth moving subtly with the words that were floating in the air around them, weaving their way into their lives, never to be able to be taken back. From this moment on everything will have changed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Half a Heart Without You

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic for this fandom, be gentle with me. :)

Sometimes Harry liked to come here alone, to the park with the twinkling lights strung around the old fashioned looking green lamp posts and the wooden benches that people had taken to carving their names into. There were so many names carved on the benches that you could never remember all of them, not even if you tried. But there was one bench, with a couple of names carved into it that Harry could never forget. He tugged his coat closer around him, the winter had been a harsh one, or maybe it just felt that way to him. He never seemed to feel warm anymore, there was always this aching cold in his bones that he couldn’t shake no matter how many layers he put on that morning or no matter how many logs he put on the fire. His wool scarf was wrapped as tightly around him as it could be without suffocating him, which truth be told might be a nice relief, and he shivered as he strolled to that old familiar spot, past the white gazebo with its chipped paint and the bird bath that was missing a chunk from its basin, around the curve in the pathway where he had fallen down on his bike when he was eight and scraped his knee. There were a couple of kids playing on swing set and Harry glanced over at them, a frown pushing its way onto his face. He never used to frown. People used to marvel at how his mouth was always turned up into a smile, his dimples deeper than most, now he couldn’t even really remember how it felt to smile. The swing set was a red place. That’s what he’d taken to calling those places, all those many places, that brought up memories and pictures that he’d do better to forget all together. If only it were that simple.

_“You’re going to make me fly off! The other boy laughed, holding onto the metal chains tightly, turning his head to look back at Harry with that small smile he saved just for him._

_“Don’t be a wanker, you’ll be fine.” Harry smiled as he pushed just a little harder this time. He ran around to the front of the set, looking up as the other boy came swinging back towards the ground, “now when you go back up, jump down, I’ll catch you.”_

_“No way Harry, you’ll let me fall and crash to the ground.” He yelled as he swung back and then forward, high up again._

_“Come on, jump! I’d never let you fall.”_

Harry shook his head, as if that would erase the memory that was playing behind his eyes. He stopped for a minute, watching those two kids swinging and laughing, as if nothing in the world could ever be wrong, and maybe for them it wouldn’t. He could only hope for them. _Don’t ever fall in love, it’ll rip you apart at the seams and leave you jagged and bruised. Don’t ever fall in love._ He turned and shoved his hands in his pockets, walking down the path he’d walked so many times over his life, the one he’d never walk again after today.

To the right was an old stage, built for plays the schools drama clubs would put on in the spring time. It was wooden and had seen better days, but when Harry looked at it he felt red.  
  
 _Harry ran around the bend in the path leading up to the stage. Zayn had texted him an hour ago asking him to meet him at the stage in the park at six. Of course it was twenty past now and Harry had just arrived, always late._  
  
 _He ran past the swing set with the children playing happily and finally made it to the stage. He sprinted up to the front of it and looked up, Zayn was sitting on a stool near the edge of the stage, his guitar resting between his arm and his knees._  
  
 _“Sorry, traffic. I’m here.” Harry smiled when Zayn looked up, “what’s this?”_  
  
 _Zayn looked back down and began strumming his guitar, he cleared his throat and started singing._

_“Your hand fits in mine like it’s made just for me,_   
_But bear this in mind, it was meant to be._   
_And I’m joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks and it all makes sense to me,”_   
  
_Harry watched Zayn as he kept his gaze on the strings he was strumming on his guitar. His voice was soft at first, but it got louder as he sang the song. Harry had never heard this before, it must have been one of the songs Zayn had been working on over the past few weeks. Zayn looked up for a moment in between versus and then turned his attention back to his guitar._   
  
_“You can’t go to bed without a cup of tea,_   
_And maybe that’s the reason that you talk in your sleep,_   
_And all those conversations are the secrets that I keep,_   
_Though it makes no sense to me,”_   
  
_Harry felt his face warm up and his heart beat a little faster. Everyone was always telling him he talked in his sleep, always nonsensical things that made no sense when they were repeated to him in the morning. He licked his lips and stepped a little closer to the stage, resting his palms down on the end of it._   
  
_“I know you’ve never loved the sound of your voice on tape,_   
_You never want to know how much you weigh._   
_You still have to squeeze into your jeans,_   
_But you’re perfect to me.”_

_Was he imagining it? Was this song detailing the weird little things about him?_   
  
_“I won’t let these little things slip out of my mouth,_   
_But if I do, it’s you, oh, it’s you they add up to,_   
_I’m in love with you, and all these little things.”_   
  
_His heart was liable to beat itself right out of his chest at any moment. His eyes were frozen on Zayn’s face, his mouth moving subtly with the words that were floating in the air around them, weaving their way into their lives, never to be able to be taken back. From this moment on everything will have changed._   
  
_“You’ll never love yourself half as much as I love you._   
_And you’ll never treat yourself right darling, but I want you to._   
_If I let you know I’m here for you,_   
_Maybe you’ll love yourself like I love you.”_   
  
_Zayn was always shouting at Harry about his low self-esteem. About the way he’d pick on himself when no one but the two of them was around. He’d always say things like “Harry, shut up, you know you’re great.” Or “Buck up, gorgeous. You’re the only one who feels that way.”_   
  
_Zayn’s voice dropped again and he was back to singing softly, his eyes trained on his fingers strumming over the strings on his guitar._   
  
_“I’ve just let these little things slip out of my mouth._   
_Cause it’s you, oh it’s you,_   
_It’s you they add up to and I’m in love with you,_   
_And all these little things._   
_I won’t let these little things slip out of my mouth,_   
_But if it’s true, it’s you, it’s you they add up to.”_

_Zayn looked up from his guitar and focused on Harry’s eyes._   
  
_“I’m in love with you, and all your little things.”_

_He stopped strumming the guitar and placed it on the floor of the stage next to him. He looked at Harry, red cheeks and with his bottom lip pulled in between his teeth. He wiped his palms on the thighs of his jeans and cleared his throat._

_“Hi.”_   
  
_Harry stared at him. Hi? After all of that, hi?_   
  
_“I…I was starting to think you weren’t going to make it.” Zayn stood up and walked the two feet to the very end of the stage slowly, looking down at Harry._

_“Erm…I, did. I made it, I mean.”_

_“I can see that.” He leaned down and hopped off the stage, standing next to Harry, close enough that Harry would swear he could feel the heat radiating off of Zayn’s body. He turned to face him, searching his face for a clue as to what he should say._

_“I, uh, I really liked that song.”_ Really _, he scolded himself,_ that’s what you come out with? Twat _._

_“I hoped you would,” Zayn looked down at his feet, “I wrote it for you.”_

_“For…” Harry started, and then something switched in his head and he did the only thing every neuron in his body was telling him to. He stepped in front of Zayn and pushed him up against the stage and pressed his lips to his. It was clean and short and soft, but every nerve ending in his body seemed to light up, electrical currents running through him, hot, tingling, nerve wracking. He pulled away, his hands still resting on Zayn’s waist, who was looking at him with a grin on his face Harry had never seen him wear before._

_“I was hoping that’s what you’d say.”  
_

_  
_Harry closed his eyes and rubbed his palms over them. _Look how far we’ve come from that day._ Everything had changed in such a short span of time. Nothing was the same anymore and there was nothing he could do about it.

As he walked along the path, away from the stage he caught glances of all the people sitting around on the grass, couples laughing, sharing food and being happy. He could remember that feeling, it was there in the pit of his stomach, the very recesses of his mind, still burning, still wanting to be an active part of his daily life, but it couldn’t. It never could again, and it was all his fault.

Things had started out so great for them. It didn’t take long for Zayn to move most of his belongings into Harry’s flat, keeping some non-essentials at his own place to keep up appearances when his parents were in town. From the first day he moved in it became _their_ home. Nothing was Harry’s and nothing was Zayn’s, everything was _theirs_. They made breakfast every morning, barefoot and bare-chested, bed head and sleepy eyes, except for Sunday’s when they absolutely refused to get out of bed before noon, even if the house was on fire. They made room in Harry’s study for Zayn’s painting equipment and guitars and keyboard, they bought an extra dresser from Ikea and had an extremely hard time putting it together, laughing the whole time, and once it was put together they made love on top of it, just to make sure it was sturdy.

_After about three months they decided it was time to start coming out to their friends, only the people closest to them. They called a meeting at a little coffee shop inside the park, just between the stage and the petting zoo. Liam, Louis and Niall were already sitting in a corner booth when they walked in, laughing about one thing or another. They sat down across from their three best friends and clasped hands beneath the table. Zayn tried a few times unsuccessfully to string a statement together about why they had called them there, and when Harry could tell it wasn’t going to happen he blurted it out the only way he knew how._

_“So, we’ve been shagging for about three months now, and we thought it was about time we let you know.”_

_The table exploded into a frenzy of it’s about time’s and yeah, no kidding’s and we were just waiting for you two to confirm its and Harry could feel Zayn let out a breath of relief next to him. He turned his face and smiled at the boy he had fallen head over heels in love with and placed a soft kiss on his lips, with a look of “see, I told you it would go over fine.”_

 

Harry walked on past the coffee shop and stopped in front of the petting zoo that him and Zayn had gone to a couple of days after the meeting with their friends. He hadn’t been back to it since, couldn’t bring himself to walk through the gates alone when he shouldn’t be alone, and wouldn’t be if he wasn’t such a stupid, stupid boy.

_“C’mon, Zayn! I want to feed the animals, don’t be such a bore.” Harry laughed as he pulled Zayn through the open gates of the parks petting zoo. Zayn didn’t want to go in, said it was kid stuff, but Harry wasn’t taking no for an answer, and Zayn may not admit it, but he’d go anywhere for Harry._

_He practically pulled Zayn towards the grain machines and put his coins in, retrieving two handfuls of food for the animals. “Here, this is yours.” He said, pouring one handful into Zayn’s hand, all the while Zayn giving him a skeptical look._

_“I don’t know, Harry. They’re kind of…dirty.”_

_“Dirty? They’re animals! They’re wonderful!” Harry laughed, pulling him towards the fence the goats were behind. “Look, they’re adorable.” Harry smiled, holding his hand out for the first goat who approached them. “You do it, too. Give yours to him.” He motioned towards a second goat who had joined the first._

_Zayn held his hand out and the goat immediately knocked all of the food out of it onto the ground and licked Zayn from finger to wrist. Zayn groaned and pulled his hand back. “Told you. Disgusting.”_

_“You’re such a mood killer. They’re cute! C’mon, let’s go feed the horses.” Harry grabbed Zayn’s just licked hand and pulled him towards the horses. The next hour went by with Harry joyfully feeding every animal he could come into contact with and Zayn wincing every time one got too close to him, but in the end he admitted that he thought Harry and the animals together were cute, whispering in Harry’s ear that he’d show him the proper way to lick a guy when they got home, not like that stupid goat. And he did just that.  
_

_  
_As Harry was walking around the next bend in the path he’d swear he saw a glimpse of Zayn. He saw Zayn everywhere. Just the tip of his perfectly styled hair, or the tattoo that wrapped around his elbow. Small things, and when he shook his head they disappeared. Driving to work in the morning he’d see him waiting at a crosswalk, a glimpse of him walking by the glass front of the bakery, the back of him walking up the steps at the library. But, he was never really there.

Harry didn’t know how to come to terms with the fact that the best thing in his life was gone, and he was gone because of Harry’s own selfish stupidity and reasoning, if you could call it that. Harry always wanted just a little bit more than Zayn could give, he always had to push just a little bit further, nudge Zayn out of his comfort zone a little harder, until Zayn just couldn’t push anymore. He couldn’t just let them be, let them be happy the way they were, let them just be them. There always had to be more. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to forgive himself for that, and to be honest he didn’t know if he wanted to.

  
_They were laid out on a blanket by the river in the park, Zayn had his head on Harry’s chest and was reading some art history book. Harry was staring at him wondering how he got so lucky to have been blessed with someone like him in his life, not only as his best friend, but as everything a person could want in someone else._

_“We should tell our parents.” Harry said quietly._

_“What?” Zayn put his book down on the ground and lifted himself up, leaning on an elbow to look at Harry._

_“Our parents. We should tell them. I’m tired of hiding it.”_

_“No, Harry.” Zayn shook his head, sitting up completely. “You know it’s not that easy.”_

_“Why isn’t it, then?” Harry asked, sitting up and facing Zayn. “It should be. Hi, mum, dad, you know Zayn. I’m in love with him and I hope you’re happy for me, because I’m incredibly happy.”_

_“Maybe for your parents it will be that easy. You know it won’t be for me.”_

_“It can be! They might not like it at first, but they’ll get used to it. Your parents love me.”_

_“They love you as Harry, my best mate. Not Harry the guy I’m shagging. They won’t take it well, they’ll never take it well.”_

_“I can’t hide it forever, Zayn.” Harry sighed, pushing his curls away from his forehead._

_“You knew it would have to be this way, this isn’t a surprise.” Zayn shook his head, getting up and picking his book up. “C’mon, let’s go home. I’ll make you forget about it.”_

_And he did._

Harry stared out at the water, at the small sail boats that tended to be resting in it on Saturday afternoons. He remembered all the lazy weekend days him and Zayn had spent watching the boats and talking about things. Sometimes they talked about important things, and sometimes they talked about meaningless things and sometimes they didn’t talk at all, but it never mattered to either of them as long as the other was there.  
  
He turned away and walked further down the path. How did things get so fucked up? Why’d he let it get to this, why didn’t he do something? Too many why’s and not enough answers or any way to solve the problems Harry had laid upon himself.

Was it just him, or was it getting colder? He wrapped his arms around himself and led himself to that all too familiar spot. He was getting closer, he could see it through the patch of trees, the bocce ball courts in between two large oak trees and a garden full of colorful flowers, somehow even in the winter.

  
_Harry walked around the bocce ball courts and the garden to the benches where Zayn was waiting for him. He could see him, squatted down on the ground in front of the bench, his face close to the seat. Harry smiled, not knowing what Zayn was up to. He walked closer and bent down, placing his hands over the other boy’s eyes. “Hey there.”_

_“Harry,” Zayn smiled and stood up, turning around and wrapping him in his arms, kissing him lightly._

_“Whatcha doing there?” Harry leaned down and looked at the bench. Zayn had carved their initials wrapped in two hearts on the seat of the bench with the word forever stretched out underneath them. Harry smiled and stood up, leaning over to kiss him again. “I like it.”_

_“I hoped you would. Listen, Harry. I want to talk to you about something.” Zayn spoke softly, sitting down on the bench by their initials. “C’mon, sit down with me.” He patted the spot next to him. Harry sat down and smiled at him, it wasn’t like Zayn to make a big production out of having a conversation._

_“So. We’ve uh…we’ve been together for over a year now, and it’s been the happiest year of my life.” He smiled, intertwining their fingers and squeezing a little bit. “You’ve made me realize what it is I’ve needed my whole life, you’ve made me whole. You know…you know I don’t have much, and as far as money goes I don’t have any at all, but I don’t need any of those things at all, not as long as I have you.”_   
  
_Zayn stood up and wiped his hands off on his pants, he was always doing that when he was nervous. Harry could feel his heart start beating rapidly in his chest, how was it that Zayn always had a way of making it do that? Zayn knelt down on one knee in front of him and took Harry’s hand in his own._

_“I don’t have a ring, or anything…I didn’t know…well, like I said. I don’t have much for money, but that’s okay, that’s okay because I have the one thing I need to make me happy for the rest of my life. Would you…Harry Styles, would you make me even happier than you already have and be mine forever? Would you marry me?”_

_Harry stared down at the man in front of him for a couple of seconds before breaking out into a smile bigger than he knew he could manage. He practically leaped off the bench and pulled Zayn to his feet, putting his hands on either side of Zayn’s face. “Of course. Yes. Yes I will!” He pulled him in and kissed him. A long, slow kiss that, Harry be damned, was actually shooting sparks out between them and all around them and he was worried that if he didn’t pull away they’d just light the whole damned park on fire._

_They sat on that bench for the rest of the afternoon, laughing and planning out their dream wedding. Harry wanted clowns and circus animals, while Zayn seemed to be happy to just stand at an altar and call Harry his own._

 

Harry made his way over to the bench and sat down. He ran his fingertips over the carved initials and hearts and looked down at them. If he tried hard enough he could still see Zayn perched there, with his head down carving them into that bench. He could still smell the cologne Zayn was wearing that day, still see the shirt he had on and how he had his hair styled. But Zayn wasn’t there with him, Harry was alone. He’d been alone for exactly 365 days now, and he promised himself that if he were still there alone at the end of a year he would leave. There was nothing left for him here, he knew that. Sure, he still had the guys, but they had to split their free time between Harry and Zayn, the two of them hadn’t laid eyes on each other once since the day it all fell apart. It had been so long that the guys eventually had stopped prodding to get them all together again, saying it wasn’t their fault Harry and Zayn had made a mess of it and they shouldn’t be punished for it. And they were right. So Harry had started spending less and less time with them. Making excuses about one thing or another, now only seeing them about once a month, if that. Louis had tried to set him up a few times, but Harry wasn’t interested in anyone who wasn’t Zayn, so he always made up some excuse about whatever bloke it was that time. He was too short, too tall, too skinny, too pale. The truth was he was always too not Zayn.  He didn’t know if Louis or the others were trying to set up Zayn, or if they had succeeded. That was something Harry would rather not think about.

  
  
 _The sun had set and there were less people milling about in the park, but Harry and Zayn were still seated on the bench,_ their _bench, holding hands and sneaking kisses and chatting about how some things would change, but most things would stay the same, just become even better. They argued about who would take whose last name and ended up agreeing on hyphenating, so that they each took a little part of the other. They decided that they’d honeymoon at Disney Land and buy a house, maybe get a dog and a cat._

_They finally decided it was time to call it a night and began walking their way back to the parks entrance hand in hand. They walked quietly, every now and then one of them would lean over and peck the other and smile. As they walked up to the gazebo Harry stopped and put his hand in his pocket, pulling out his mobile._

_“I should call mum. She’ll kill me if I don’t call her the moment I’m engaged to someone. She’s going to be mighty surprised being she didn’t even know I was seeing anyone. I think she’s had her suspicions ever since the day she popped by and you were on the couch in your knickers, though.” Harry smiled over at Zayn and slid the screen of his phone out of its locked position._

_“Harry, no.” Zayn said, reaching over and grabbing the mobile out of his hand and hitting the button to lock the screen._

_“What? Why not?” Harry looked over at him, surprised._

_“This…this doesn’t change…Harry, we can’t. Not yet.”_

_“What? What do you mean we can’t? Not yet? Then when?” Harry stopped walking and turned to face Zayn. “Do we get married without telling them?”_

_“I…didn’t think it mattered. It’s about us, yeah? Not them?”_

_“No. It’s about everyone. It’s about our lives. I can’t get married without my parents there, and you can’t either.”_

_“I can’t tell them Harry. And if you tell yours they’ll tell mine. You can’t. My dad would never forgive me, he’d never look at me again.” Zayn looked at the ground, kicking at a rock with the toe of his shoe._

_“I…” Harry looked away, turning his back to Zayn and crossing his arms over his chest. “I can’t marry you like that, Zayn.”_

_“What are you saying?” Zayn stepped closer to him, placing a hand on his back._

_“What’s it sound like I’m saying, Zayn?!” Harry whipped around to face him, his cheeks red._

_“What do you want from me, Harry?” Zayn whispered, locking eyes with him._  
  
“What do I…I don’t want to be a fucking well kept secret, is what I don’t want!” Harry shouted, stepping back from Zayn and shoving his hands in his pockets for lack of something else to do with them.

_Zayn sighed loudly and walked a few paces ahead of Harry and then stopped and turned around, throwing his hands in the air. “I don’t know what else you’d like from me, Harry. I’ve given you everything I can. I’m here. I’m yours.” He walked back and stopped right in front of Harry, so close he could feel the other boys breath on his face, “isn’t that enough?”_

_Harry dropped his gaze to the front of Zayn’s shirt and shook his head slowly, “no.”_

_Zayn stepped back as if he’d been burned. “Then I don’t know what I can do. Obviously we’ve been foolish, cause this obviously isn’t going to work.” He shook his head and looked up at Harry, “I’m going to go home, can you…can you give me a while alone, please?”_

_And with that he turned and walked away, leaving Harry alone by the white gazebo and the bird bath with the chunk missing, all the twinkling lights around him flashing._

Harry stood up from the bench, he could feel the heaviness in his eyes, that tell-tale sign that he could start crying any moment. He’d cried a lot more often than he’d like to admit over the past year, not that it had ever been all that hard to get Harry teary, he was the kind of guy who cried at all of those animal commercials and the starving kids in third world countries always got him, too, but he’d never been too big into crying about his own life until three hundred and sixty five days ago. He shook his clothes off and started to make his way back to the entrance to the park. He had walked this walk so many times, most of them Zayn was by his side, but now he was gone and Harry would just have to learn to live with that. He wasn’t sure how, and he wasn’t sure when, but he made a pact with himself that by this time next year he would be better, he would be stronger, even if he were still alone, he wouldn’t cry because of benches and gazebos and petting zoo’s, he’d go back to saving all of his tears for things out of his control.

Harry walked in silence, his hands in his pockets and made his way out of the park and onto the street where he was parked. Getting in the car and driving home these days always seemed so pointless. The house was always empty and the lights were always all off and there was no one yelling “Oi, love, in here!” when he closed the front door and toed his shoes off. There was never music playing when he made his way down the front hall and the smell of paint had long ago vanished from the air. But he got in his car anyway and made the short drive home.

 

_Harry drove home in complete silence, beating himself up internally over what had gone down an hour ago. Why did he always have to push? Why couldn’t he just be happy with what he had, why did he always need more? These were questions he seemed to ask himself a lot, but he couldn’t just damned live up to the only known answer. He pulled up to the curb outside of their flat and locked the car, shoving the keys in his front pocket and making his way up the front steps. When he pushed the door to open it, it was locked, which was strange because Zayn never locked the door when he knew Harry would be coming home soon after him. He fished his keys back out and let himself in, toeing his shoes off on the mat by the door like he always did, but no one called out for him. The only light that was on was the bedroom light, so he made his way in, preparing himself to apologize and beg Zayn for forgiveness. He’d learn how to live with their parents not knowing, for as long as it took Zayn to be ready. He meant more, he meant everything._   
  
_When he pushed the bedroom door open he was surprised to not find Zayn sitting on his side of the bed. He scanned the room quickly and his eyes stopped on the dresser mirror. There was a note taped to it, folded in half. His heart started beating erratically and he felt his palms begin to sweat as he walked over and pulled it down, moving back to the bed and sitting down before unfolding it._

_I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. It’s not fair to you, and I don’t know when I’ll be ready._  
You deserve more.  
Zayn x  

_Harry felt all of the blood leave his face as he looked around the room again. It must be a joke, he’ll jump out of the closet and laugh, he’ll yell “gotcha!” and we’ll fall back on the bed laughing and kissing. But he didn’t. Harry stood up and walked to the dresser, opening the top drawer. It was empty. He frantically opened the rest of the drawers on Zayn’s side. All empty. He threw the note down on the floor and made his way to the bathroom where he found all of Zayn’s things gone. The office. The painting supplies, the guitars. They were gone, everything was gone. Harry walked slowly back into the bedroom and sat down on the bed, digging his mobile out of his pocket and flipping the screen on, dialing Zayn’s number and holding the phone to his ear._   
  
_“It’s Zayn, leave a message.”_

_“Zayn. Come home. Please, just come home.”_

_Harry placed the phone on the bed and ran a hand over his face. How could he just leave?_

_The next morning Harry called Zayn’s phone again. This time the automated message told him that the number had been disconnected. He called Louis who claimed to not have heard from Zayn, but assured Harry he’d come home, he wouldn’t just take off. Niall and Liam had similar answers for him. He spent the next two days curled up on Zayn’s side of the bed, rotating between dialing the disconnected number and crying into his pillow._

 

When Harry walked into the house he was surprised to find Louis sitting on the couch talking on his mobile.

“Oi, Harry! I have to let you go, Harry’s home. I’ll see you tomorrow. No, it’ll be fine, trust me. Oh, don’t be a wanker, it’ll be great. Ciao.” Louis shoved his mobile in his pocket and practically leaped off the couch and across the room to Harry. “You’re home! It’s about time, mate, was about to send out a rescue party.”

“What’re you doing here, Lou?” Harry chuckled, tossing his keys on the table and making his way to the fridge to get a drink.

“It’s your last night you twat, did you think I’d let you spend it alone? I still don’t understand what moving to the states is going to do for you, you’ll be completely alone, yeah?” Louis followed him into the kitchen, taking his bottle of water from him and taking a swig from it before passing it back to him.

“I’ll be fine. I told you, fresh start.” Harry leaned against the counter. The flat looked bare, Harry had shipped most of his things to his new address in California the week before, leaving only the essentials to fly over with him. “I told you, you lot can come visit anytime. More than enough room. You won’t miss me too badly.”

“Well, let’s go then. The boys are meeting us at the pub. Gotta have a send off round.” Louis smiled, ruffling Harry’s hair and grabbing his arm, leading him back to the door.

The pub was packed from wall to wall when they walked in, it seemed as though everyone in the area decided tonight was a good night for a pint, or ten. Liam and Niall were sitting at their normal table waiting on them when they walked in and Liam raised his glass in greeting.

Harry slid into his seat and smiled around at his mates, he would miss these guys.

 

The next morning came too quickly. The boys had managed to pour more alcohol down Harry’s throat than he’d ever consumed in his life. He suspected it was their way of trying to get him to stay, but they knew he wouldn’t. Louis and Niall woke him up at 9 by letting themselves into his flat and jumping on him in bed.

“Rise and shine, Harry boy! Time to fly off to la la land!” Louis yelled in his ear while Niall ripped the covers off of him. Harry grudgingly lifted himself off the bed and into the shower. He got dressed and brushed his teeth slowly, tossing his toothbrush and toothpaste into his carry-on bag. He did one last look over of the flat and met the boys outside with his last suitcase and carry on. They loaded him into the car and took off for the airport.

 

They drove to the airport in near silence, every once in a while one of them would say something to try to break the sadness in the air, but nothing ever stuck. Truth be told, Harry was sad to be leaving. He loved his home, and he loves his mates, but he couldn’t bear another year of living in that flat, that town, without Zayn. When they finally pulled up to the airport they got out of the car and unloaded Harry’s belongings, the three of them trudged their way to the departures gate.

They made their way through and found the right waiting area for Harry’s flight and he could swear over in the corner he saw Zayn. Just the tip of his perfectly styled hair, and that looked like a jumper Harry had bought him for his birthday the past year, but he shook his head. It’s not him, it’s never him.

“Hey, mate. I think someone’s here to say goodbye to you.” Louis nudged Harry and motioned to the corner.

It was him. Sitting next to Liam on a chair in the corner of the waiting area, his guitar balanced between his arms and his knees, wearing the stupid purple jumper Harry had bought him the year before, partly as a joke.

Harry dropped his bag and walked slowly over to where Zayn was sat, not blinking the whole time in fear that if he did Zayn would vanish, like all the other times Harry had thought he’d seen him. When Harry had finally made it and was standing arms length from Zayn, Zayn cleared his throat and began strumming his guitar.

“So your friends been telling me,  
You’ve been sleeping with my sweater,  
And that you can’t stop missing me.  
I bet my friends been telling you I’m not doing much better,  
Cause I’m missing half of me.

And being here without you is like I’m waking up to,  
Only half a blue sky, kind of there, but not quite.  
I’m walking ‘round with just one shoe,  
I’m half a heart without you.  
I’m half a man, at best, with half an arrow in my chest.  
I miss everything we do, I’m half a heart without you.”  
  
Zayn looked up, still strumming his guitar. He licked his lips and gave Harry a small smile and then looked back down at his guitar.

“Forget all we said that night, no it doesn’t even matter,  
Cause we both got split in two.  
If you could spare an hour or so we’ll go for lunch down by the river,  
We could really talk it through.”

There it was again, that feeling that Harry’s heart would just leap right out of his chest and land on the floor at Zayn’s feet. He stood straight, staring down at the man he’d been barely living without for the past year.

“Though I try to get you out of my head,  
The truth is I got lost without you,  
and since then I’ve been waking up to,  
only half a blue sky, kind of there, but not quite.  
I’m walking ‘round with just one shoe,  
I’m half a heart without you.  
I’m half a man, at best, with half an arrow in my chest.  
I miss everything we do, I’m half a heart without you.”

Zayn’s voice trailed off and he placed his guitar on the ground beside him and leaned it up against a chair. He stood up and wiped his hands on the thighs of his jeans and closed the distance between Harry and himself in one step.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Harry whispered. Was this real? Could it be real?

“I’m so sorry.” Zayn spoke softly, licking his lips.

Harry shook his head, not moving his eyes from Zayn’s. Zayn’s shoulders dropped and he broke eye contact with Harry, dropping his hands to his sides and letting out a breath.

“I knew this was a mistake. I knew you wouldn’t forgive me. I’m…I’m sorry, I’ll…” he trailed off and moved to walk around Harry.

“No, Zayn, wait.” Harry turned around and grabbed the fabric of the arm of Zayn’s jumper. “Don’t go.” He pulled him to himself and in one swift motion wrapped his arms around him and covered his mouth with his own. “Don’t ever go again.” He whispered into his mouth to the sound of their mates cheering and clapping in the background.

 

Three hours later they were laid in Zayn’s bed, Zayn’s head on Harry’s chest, Harry’s fingers making trails up and down Zayn’s arm.

“It’s been a long year without you.” Harry whispered sleepily. They hadn’t talked much about anything yet, spending most of the last three hours in a tangle of lips and hands and arms and legs. The other guys had quite a time of getting them out of the airport in one piece considering they couldn’t be made to separate mouths for more than ten seconds.

“For me too, babe.” Zayn said, twisting his head to look up at Harry. “I’m sorry.”

“Why’d you go?” Harry said softly, drawing a finger down Zayn’s jawline.

“I felt like I was robbing you of a real relationship because of me being afraid. Afraid of my father and what he’d say or do, afraid that he’d disown me. And as the weeks turned into months I realized I was wrong, that the only thing I should have been afraid of was losing you, losing us.” Zayn sat up, pulling Harry into a sitting position with him. “But, then I felt like it was too late to come back. That maybe you were better off…without me.”

“I’m never better when you’re not here.” Harry leaned over and placed a kiss on Zayn’s lips, smiling against his mouth. “Don’t leave me again.”

“Never.” Zayn smiled, lifting himself off the bed and walking to the dresser. “And speaking of, c’mon and get dressed, I have a surprise for you.”

 

Zayne pulled his car into a spot and turned off the engine, leaning back in his seat and smiling at Harry. “C’mon, get out then. We have to walk.”

“What are we doing here?” Harry asked, getting out of the car and swinging the door shut. He walked around the front of the car and met Zayn, who was holding his hand out for Harry to take.

“You’ll see.”

They walked into the park and past the twinkling lights, around the bend and past the swing set and Zayn led Harry up to the white gazebo with the chipping paint. They walked up the two small steps into the gazebo and Zayn stood in front of Harry, taking his hand.

“I know I really fucked up the last year of our lives,” Zayn started, smiling at Harry, “but I plan to more than make up for that over the next sixty years. If you could find it in your heart to forgive me and give me another chance, even though I’m not sure I deserve one,” Zayn lowered himself to the ground, one knee down, “I promise to love you for the rest of our lives.”

“Are you asking me to marry you?” Harry smiled down at Zayn, that damned heart of his thumping in his chest again.

“I am. Harry Styles, would you please do me the pleasure of spending the rest of your life with me?”

“Of course I will, you twat.” Harry smiled and pulled Zayn up off the ground, kissing him softly. “You didn’t even have to ask.”

“I was hoping you’d say that.” Zayn smiled, taking his mobile out of his pocket and hitting a button, he placed it to his ear. “Oi, we’re good to go, he said yes.” He spoke into the mobile, smiling over at Harry and hanging up.

“What…” Harry began asking Zayn what the hell that was about when he saw Louis, Liam and Niall walking towards them from the swing set, followed by his and Zayn’s parents, all of them wearing smiles that matched Zayn’s. “Oh my god.” He whispered.

Zayn smiled and nodded, pulling Harry in for a kiss, “I’m ready now.”


End file.
